I called Matt Bragg at 2am and our conversation went like this:
"Fajardo, what do you want? It's late."
Hiding the tears, "I don't want to tell you... I'm too embarrassed."
"Well you have to tell me now. What is it?"
"I'm freaking out over the fact that I'm going to be 23 next year."
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Fajardo. I'm going to be 27 this year! Imagine how I feel!"
"I know, I know... but, I don't know. My life is going by too fast. I don't like where I'm at or where I'm going."
"Then change the things you don't like! I'm not going to entertain this anymore, I've gotta go."
That's what I expected to hear from MB, so the fact that it played out that way only made me love and miss him more. But it's true... I don't like where I'm at in my life. I fear I'm looking forward too much, which is reason why my life is passing me by. But the truth is, I don't have anything to look forward to in present time. I spend my days either with Jace or myself. I have no friends outside of him. It's frustrating... sometimes I want to hang out with girls and do things that girls do. Or sometimes I want to hang out Jeremy (after all, he was my best friend before long before anything romantic happened.) I feel like I'm not living my life. I'm simply accepting that I'm alive and breathing. I'm tired of not being in school, and I'm angry that "illegally" being a resident to this God-awful state made it happen so. I'm always exhausted, I get shitty shifts at work (1-9:30, greeeaatttt, just how I wanted to spend my whole entire fucking day,) and I live so far from anything exciting. I need to get back to California ASAP. Moving here was a stupid decision, and the fact that I haven't made my residence permanent (both mentally and physically) has really inhibited me from doing anything (including accepting that I live here... for now.)
The world was moving and she was right there with it (and she was)
The world was moving, she was floating above it (and she was)
Joining the world of missing persons (and she was)
Missing enough to feel alright (and she was)