by way of human condition

"At the center of your being you have the answer; 

you know who you are 

and you know what you want."

-Lao Tzu

In what seems to be a futile attempt, I'm trying real hard to connect back to my inner intuition. These last 7 months have been spent in a state of complete unhappiness or regret. Really, denial. My license plates still read: California 5PZK008. I'm always hesitant to answer why I moved out here. Yet little by little, I'm putting my pieces back together. I feel like I've been cheating on myself-- and not even with someone worth it. I feel like I've put myself on the back burner; I've put my heart and my soul and my self into a plastic bag with bricks and threw it into some murky waters. Standing at the edge of the pool, I can see the iridescent colors light up through the bag. At some point I turned my back to it, spread my arms out and opened up my heart real wide, closed my eyes, and fell back into the water. 

I stopped questioning myself. I stopped questioning my morals and my values. I stopped questioning my passions and my desires. I became one of those persons who wakes up without thinking, dresses without thinking, works without thinking, eats without thinking, and sleeps without thinking. And not in a "two-feet-in" sort of mentality, rather, quite robotic. So, who was I 7 months ago? A little more naive (that's a given.) Inquisitive, engaged, enthralled by the amount of street knowledge I was being fed, and wholly enjoyed-- not only in myself, but also in my company. 

Oh, Phoenix! How your limits have slowed me down yet paradoxically have sped me up (7 months already?!) How long have I burned? I demand from you now that from these ashes I rise, reborn anew to live again.